I value achievement..I value learning..I value accomplishment. I value my family and I value my friends. I am interested in meeting new people and I am not afraid of leaving my comfort zone. But I am not afraid of failing..I would rather face failure that quit before it even began.

I myself is a parent and I am not saying I am perfect. There is no such thing. Everyone makes mistakes. But I can certainly assure you that I have the desire to be “flawless” in parenting. I believe It is only human to want the best for your children, and of course you want them to have all the advantages you can give them. That is why as early as zero age We prepared the educational funds necessary for my son to be in a good school until college, makes sure that financial and emotional support is readily given to him. That is also exactly the reason why we decided to only have one child because we want to adequately provide for him. But not everybody is like us I guess…

My all time slacker-lazy elder half-brother and his wife seems to be sleeping when God showered the people with a sense of responsibility. Two years ago, I did them a huge favor by putting their first born son under the city government’s scholarship. I made use of my connection, no matter how difficult for me to ask other people a favor, just so that their son will be able to go to college. But that did not stop there because this school year I will be supporting his daughter to college for the same reason that he could not afford to pay the tuition fee. He approached me telling me that anyway I only have one child and he has four so I am at a better disposition compared to him. The nerve of that guy!!! I really want to strangle him until he realize that you have to work..to earn money..to feed your children..to send them to school! On the other hand, his estrange wife is spending on frivolous things to the neglect of their children’s education.

Poor..poor kids, I do not want them to turn out like their parents. I know how it feels like to be alone, to not have the proper parents while growing up…

I will try to help as best as I can.

I am a wanderer, my mind often drifts and pondered on many different things. In my head there are multiple conversations going on, always going on and on about things, overthinking and overanalyzing. The little voices in my head’s favorite subject would always include philosophy, principle and expectation in life. I could not help it that on several occassion I caught myself thinking out loud. I assure you, I am not on drugs nor on the brink of insanity. I simply like to muse.

I believe that in life there is always two opposing factor, the natural tendency of one thing with reference to another. There will never be a world where only good or bad people exist, a class where only the strong will survive and the weak will perish or a race where everyone is an alpha dog. There will always be some degree of the opposite placed within anything that exists, no matter how extreme the degree is. It is a condition for the existence of anything. It is what keeps the balance.

This opposite factor does not only exist in the society, it is also present in each one of us. None of us can claim that he is 100% strong physically, emotionally or intellectually and not an ounce of weakness in his mind and body. No matter how hard he train, supress his emotion or study, at some point he will still have some thing that will make him weak. It is what makes us human.

The opposing factors in life does not antagonize but rather complement each other. Day and Night; Rain and Shine; Man and Woman; Happy and Sad; Tears and Laughter; Success and Failure; To keep a balance, functional and durable existence of everything in nature, each must depend on the mutual and beneficial interaction of opposite forces. After a hard day’s work, one would embrace the night to rest and recuperate for tomorrow’s activity. On the other hand, trees and plants need rain and sunlight for photosynthesis. Sunlight gives most plants and trees the energy to make food in order to survive, while water helps transport mineral nutrients from the soil, both enriching the life of the plant. In the same way that, man and woman are fundamentally programmed to co-exist with one another. Even though, man and woman have earned complete independence from each other, they still need the comfort each one can offer.

Likewise, our happy and sad experiences decorates our life. We can never appreciate the happiness if we have never been sad. Laughter is sweet after shedding some tears. The euphoric state of success can be accounted from the failures we went through in life. Birth is always eventually followed by death. Truly, opposites hold each other in balance with mutual control.

The message is simple, there is no absolute in the ways of the universe. Everything in the physical world has an opposite. Wherever there is light, there will also be darkness; there is no positive without the negative; there are no advantages without disadvantages. Each thing depends upon it’s opposite in order to exist; Yin creates Yang and Yang creates Yin.

It is these two opposing forces that makes life an enigma. Anything can happen to a certain person at a certain point in time. But it is also these two opposing forces that makes life an even more challenging journey and at the same time a sacred pilgrimage. Life is beautiful even on its ups and downs. Just like a rose, beautiful and yet thorny. Imagine how rose’s thorns can hurt people and yet people is not afraid to pick a rose despite the fact that the thorns can prick them, just as people should not be afraid to take risk in life because they might be hurt. Yes, life can be difficult ofcourse, but depending on how you look at it. A metaphor I found helpful in my own life is that of a speed bump. Rather than labeling the issues that come into my life as problems, I think of them as a speed bump. An actual speed bumps as you know, is a low bump in a road designed to get your attention and for you to slow down. If you step on the gas and speed up, you will hit the bump with a loud thump! Your car maybe damaged, you can even injure yourself and worst it may hamper your journey. If however, you approach the bump softly and wisely, you will be over with it no time. You will suffer no adverse effects, your car will will be unaffected and you are on your way. When I started to think of my problems as speed bumps, I began to look at it differently and lightly.

These are what I believe in, and these are depicted in my tattoos. A symbol representing my significant feeling towards life in general. I have experienced a lot of storms in my life. During the experience I felt emotionally drained, mentally exhausted and endured a lot of physical pain. I look so frail but you would be amazed how tough I can handle my ground. These tattoos will provide me with the constant reminder of who I am.

Tattoo 1: Yin Yang symbolizes the balance in the universe. The Gemini twin inside represents myself. It is a constant reminder that I have my own strenghts and weaknesses, happiness and sadness, failures and success. It also indicates the Gemini's ability to look at both situations and be sympathetic.

Tattoo 2: Life is like a rose, beautiful but thorny.

Looks like you really can not have everything. From where I used to work, I had the respect of the top management, my 25 staff and the rest of the 300 employees of the company. I have a bright future ahead of me. Unfortunately, although I have all of that I was not learning anything fresh and cutting-edge. Now, in this new environment I am working for I have the complete opposite. I am exposed to tools and technologies I have never used before. I have the freedom to study and learn all of that but I do not have the support I need, nor have a team.

Peter Drucker once wrote that there are three kinds of team.

Baseball team. Each have their fixed positions they never leave. The second baseman never runs to help or assist the pitcher, just like an anaesthesiologist never comes to the aid of surgical doctor or a nurse.

Football team. The players of a football team just like in baseball have their fixed positions. But on football team players play as a team. All run and works toward a common goal. Each one of the players assist the others.

Tennis doubles team. On doubles team, players have primary rather than a tied position. They are supposed to cover their team-mates, adjusting to their teams strengths, weaknesses and the changing demands of the game.

For the past 5 months I feel I have been playing in a baseball team. It is tiring when you are up at bat and totally alone. This realization is further emphasized when I met my former staff yesterday. I remembered how we all used to work. Even on heavy loads we cover each others asses. Checking up on each others sanity. I want to have a football team or even a tennis doubles team! Right now, I do not think it is possible. Before I always pride myself for building a good team..sadly this time either I failed or just that some people are not born as football players.

Ever since I started leading I make sure that my team gets adequate support from me, whether financial or emotional. For them to work productively and efficiently I provide what ever resources they need. I take care of them..But in my environment now..who takes care of me? I have been left in a confusing state. I report to a lot of bosses but none of them is accountable or responsible for me. I have no direction, so many dotted lines going from one person to another. In fact none of them even bothered to realize that for the past 4 months I have been using my personal laptop at work because the one assigned to me got totally busted due to old age. I think it only shows that I am not important to the organization.

Oh well it sucks bigtime! What is the use of ranting? Do something about it! I told myself and so I did.

I purposely quit from my previous job to look for a better opportunity..look where it got me. Wow..so much for a greener pasture…

same old shit, same old crap..

In vim do

:set nobomb

and then exit…

So much has happened in 2009..

As a student..oh well what can I say?..Frankly, I do not have a lot to brag when it comes to academics. I am fairly a mediocre student. My undergrad transcript will not show you anything exciting. My GPA grades will probably score right in the middle but not off the charts. As Graduate student nothing much has change, I still get decent grades without even exerting 100% effort. In my opinion, transcript is a poor reflection of overall achievement because it only presents what happened in academic halls, which I believe is an ineffectual indicator of what you have learned, what you know or what skills and talents you possess. I do not mean to suggest that my bachelor’s or master’s degree is of no value to me. Both are important to me. My bachelor’s degree provided the foundation for me to get a higher education, but I do not believe that my master’s degree will be a guarantee for me to secure a good job. Some of the valuable things I learned that helped me in my job came from the books, magazines, articles I have read on my own and from off-the-record conversations I have had with incredibly intelligent people I have met or interacted with (taking up master’s is one good way to network with these kind of people). Additionally, I have taken up master’s for me to make good use of my time. Anyway, two semesters to go and I am about to finish my graduate degree, looking back at the many sleepless nights of working for my case studies, reaction papers and exams, I can say it is fun.

As a mother..I have been more like a big sister to Allen, maybe because deep inside I have retained my child-like qualities that made it easier for me to relate to my son, even to my nieces and nephews, compared to my husband. To be honest, between me and Allen, I do not experience generation gap because I know what it feels like to be a child, playing guitar heroes, lego, speed stacks, running and screaming around the house. However, since I feel like a child it is also difficult for me to stay at home..I feel cramp helping homework on a Friday night. I would prefer to be out and about, and sometimes take Allen with me, if it is appropriate. Do not take it wrongly, I can be a really responsible mother..attending PTA meeting, conferencing with guidance counselors and I am a stage mother.

As a daughter and sibling..I have been an affectionate and generous family member.

As a wife..Over the years I can say that I am still loyal!

Last June 1, I wrote about joining a firm. Now I am about to leave again. Why? It’s complicated. It took me quite a while to decide, It was not an easy decision but I know it is the right thing to do at this point in my career. Why complicated? Because I gained new friends, everywhere I go I tend to make new acquaintance that eventually become close to me. I am happy. I find joy in my work place. I see many opportunities to be happy when I work with people I respect, do task that make difference…Then why do I have leave?

Because I have become complacent, too satisfied with my situation that all concern for improvements is dismissed. I seem to believed that I am at the top of my game. The sad truth about me is that, I am developing a sort of superiority complex and that is not good! I must wake up from this delusion. Thus, I have concluded that a change of environment is very much needed.

A new environment will shake me from my stupor, will humble me and at the same time will instigate self-improvement. Sure, self-improvement is just a frame of mind..you have to conjure yourself to be better..but I am the type that gets influence depending on the environment. How can I be better when I am surrounded by stagnant body knowledge? Like water, an isolated body of knowledge can become dormant when cut off from  incoming sources of rejuvenation. I believe that environment is one of the compelling force that encourages self-improvement. I am hopeful that the company I will soon join will be the right environment for me.